Introduction: From The Book

I went to Paris because I had to go. My sixth grade French teacher wanted me to go. She gave me fondue once to convince me to go. I read books by Henry Miller and when I read between the lines, they said "Go to Paris goddammit!" (Especially his book Under The Roofs of Paris in which the main character refers to his Penis as "John Thursday.") When I saw Henry and June, in the credits it said Rick: Go To Paris. When the movie Forget Paris came out, it was subtitled Except For Rick Lupert. Every time I saw an image of the Mona Lisa I would receive a psychic message from her which said "As soon as you come to Paris, I'll give you head . . . just stick your penis through the security glass." It was clear that I had to go to Paris. And so I did. It's The Cheese is the written record of this trip. Contained herein are all the poems I wrote when there and a few written in anticipation of the trip. Hell I even included the poems I didn't like very much. They were just as much part of the experience as the rest. I hope you enjoy sharing this experience with me, and if you don't, please mail me five dollars anyway.

For those of you considering going to Paris (and you should) here are some travel tips based upon my experiences:

1) If you see a sign that says "Negro Spirituals" don't believe it.

2) Not enough film exists to take pictures of everything that needs to be taken a picture of so don't bother bringing any.

3)The French are nice people. Just don't speak loudly in English to them.

4) There's a guard posted at Jim Morrison's grave so don't bring a shovel and expect to get away with one of his ribs.

5) Similarly, a chisel at Venus de Milo will not be received well.

6) There's more Monet there than you can shake a stick at so don't bother bringing a stick.

7) Louvre Shmouvre.

8) Versailles is the nicest single family residence you will ever see.

9) It's okay to eat that crusty outer part of cheese.

10) If you want American style filtered coffee you have to specifically ask for "Café Americain." But they won't have it anyway so learn to like espresso.

I hope these are helpful. I hope in putting this book together I didn't do anything illegal. I hope no-one sues me ever for any reason. I hope one day people don't have to shave because hair will just fall off of our bodies whenever we command it to. And most of all, I hope you enjoy this book.

1, February 1996