I Am My Own Orange County
11th Anniversary Edition!
"Rick Lupert seems to write poetry mainly
Rick's second book, originally published in 1997
Re-Introduction: From The Book
Welcome back to I Am My Own Orange County. For years I’ve been threatening to re-release this book. Mainly to win arguments and influence poodles.
Don’t read this book. The word ‘penis’ appears 183% more times than in the original 1997 edition. This is far too many times. No one should have to read a book in which the word ‘penis’ appears twenty-two times. (Not counting the two in this paragraph.)
Over the years people have written to me, or spoken to me in person and said things like “When are you going to re-release this book.” I usually responded with the tale of the great hard drive crash of 1999 and talked sheepishly about having to retype the whole thing. People volunteered to retype it. They would volunteer out-loud and then they would pretend to be dead. One man held his breath for three days just to convince me rather than retype this book.
Are you still here? Please remove the children from the immediate area. Please remove the children from the surrounding communities. At this point, it would be better if you didn’t have children.
Once on a van-ride between the General Mitchell International airport in Milwaukee and a lovely camp in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin I sat next to a boy. He asked me if I knew if Rick Lupert would be at the camp. I told him I was sure that he would be and that, in fact, I was Rick Lupert. He became excited. He stopped talking to me and started making cellular telephone calls to people who he knew to tell them he was on a van with Rick Lupert. Apparently the poems in this book had influenced him at a young age. I apologize for this.
If you do have children, or know of children, make sure to take them to the dentist. It is best to wait until they have teeth and also to not wait until their teeth are gone. The dentist will put his or her hands inside your child’s mouth. If you have two children, they will have to take turns and you will not receive a discount. The dentist should not mention his or her penis. If he or she does, you should find another dentist.
It would have been great to release this special edition for its tenth anniversary. As it is I am just barely getting it out during the eleventh anniversary year. If I had waited much longer it would have been the twelfth anniversary. Of the numbers ten, eleven and twelve, ten is the best in terms of excitement. There is a small amount of excitement that eleven has two “ones” right next to each other; but it does not equal the excitement of ten. Ten is a milestone. Ten is a thing to look forward to and celebrate. Eleven is just okay. Twelve is the bastard child of thirteen and negative one.
I did the math. It really is 183% more. These figures would hold up in court. These figures would hold up on a piece of paper if they were written down and then held up by a hand. It would not need to be witnessed. You could just trust the person who said they held up the paper. It’s not rocket science.
I Am My Own Orange County is my sophomore release. It is also my most sophomoric release. It tries to be funny and entertaining and occasionally surreal in that Richard Brautigan kind of way. This is all okay. I support you if you enjoy it and I understand if you are embarrassed for me by it.
God help us all.
November 22, 2008