How to Kiss
I
Locate someone other than yourself.
Make sure they have lips.
II
Find out if the person you’ve located is agreeable to kissing.
You can do this any way you want, except for asking.
III
Make sure you have your lips with you.
Nothing is more embarrassing than moving to kiss someone
and realizing you’ve left your lips at home or in the car.
Unless you happen to be in the car,
where you can slyly move to adjust the radio,
slapping on your lips during the confusion.
IV
Tell the person their eyes make you want to do gymnastics,
or at least be present where gymnastics are being done.
V
Touch the hand.
Any Hand.
Not your own hand.
VI
Lean your head forward at a slight angle (such as fifteen degrees)
so your foreheads will connect first
as if you’re attempting a Vulcan mind meld.
If your minds actually begin to meld MILK IT.
VII
Slowly re-angle your head so your lips become parallel with his or hers.
Practice this ahead of time using a protractor.
VIII
Allow your lips to make contact with the other lips
BUT DON’T MOVE THEM.
Remain completely still for twenty eight minutes
or until you hear an electronic beeping
indicating it is time to move to step nine.
This time may vary depending on political climate
and lip gloss.
IX
Repeat steps five through eight.
X
Clear your head
so the only thing you can focus on
is a PBS special on the Beaver.
XI
Begin moving your lips in a slow up and down fashion,
varying with left and right motions every fifteen seconds.
XII
Force your tongue through your subject’s lips and teeth.
Fight past their tongue.
Charge forward until you reach the uvula.
Kissing is just an intimate game of Capture the Uvula.
XIII
Abandon all tenderness
with reckless nibbling
of anything fleshy you encounter.
XIV
Congratulations!
You are now kissing.
XV
Imagine life as a Frenchman.
Previously published at Stirring:
Shower Explanations For Cats
I slide open the shower door and there are my two cats
looking at me as if to ask “What the hell were you just doing in there?”
So I explain to them, “You know how you two lick each other to get clean?
Well this” I point to the shower “ is like a giant licking machine.”
Cleopatra, the older cat, cocks her cat head as if to ask me
“Why don’t you get someone else to lick you, and you could lick them in return
I thought that’s why you brought home Tigger” referring to the younger cat.
So I explain to them “I’ve been trying to get someone like that.
It’s not so easy with us humans. There is no cat-like understanding
that two humans will automatically lick each other when paired off.
You cat’s have it easy with your ‘Oh. You’re another cat.
We will now lick each other.’ We humans don’t have that.”
Cleo cocks her head the other way as if to reply
“Well why don’t you lick yourself? I spend most of the day doing that.
Why don’t you?” And I again answer her head cocked query
“Cleo, If I could do that, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
Cliches Gone Bad
A spoonful of sugar
will eventually attract flies.
What comes around goes around again
if you keep giving it money.
It’s not the meat,
it’s the photosynthesis.
Hey, you, get off of my,
Leg.
An eye for an eye, a tooth
for a lifetime of poor dental hygeine.
Dress to impress,
or die.
Good things come to those
who have telekinesis.
Don’t count your chickens
before you actually have chickens
because you’ll look stupid
counting phanton chickens
and who the hell
keeps chickens these days anyway?
The early bird
gets less sleep than the other birds
Early to bed and early to rise
makes you miss all the interesting things that happen at night.
What are you getting up so early for anyway?
The Today Show?
Take me out to the ball game
and then leave me alone, I hate you.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice and I’ll have Christopher Walken take your thumbs.
Two roads converged in a forest
I sued the government for not putting up signs.
Call me Ishmael.
No.
All the kings horses, and all the kings men,
and their wives never suspected a thing.
Granada Hills, August 10, 1999
There was a shooting at work today
A man walked into the center with a gun and lots of bullets
Shot everything he could in the lobby
I don’t know why he did that
I missed the fun because God saw fit to give me a throat infection
Can’t lead the kids in song when you have a throat infection
Just when I was cursing her for the malaise so close to the end of camp
I’m sitting in the waiting room of Doctor
The music on KBIG stops
the DJ mentions something about
North Valley Jewish Community Center
and shooting
I turn on the Doctor’s waiting room TV
and see pictures of the building
the orange coolers filled with punch for the field trip
the place I park
the window of the corner room where I sing with the kids everyday
You see, I don’t have a real job
You should be so lucky
God answers:
see, there’s even a reason for throat infections
I get the antibiotic, go home
There the parents of everyone I know are hysterical
broadcasting from North Valley Hell.
The details:
Buford hates us for some reason
Don’t know why
Future letters from shooting victims:
Dear Buford
I was just answering the phone, Shalom J-C-C
You came into the lobby and shot me
I don’t know why you did that
Signed,
Isabelle
Age 68
Buford,
I was at summer camp going to drama
You shot me
I don’t know why you did that.
Signed,
Joshua
age 5
Buford,
It was my groups turn to be in arts and crafts at Camp Valley Chai
I was almost in the room
Then you shot me
I don’t know why you did that
Signed,
Benjamin
age 6
Buford,
I saw you shoot my friend in the hallway
and then you shot me
I don’t know why you did that
Signed,
James
age 5
Buford,
I’m gonna be a senior in three weeks
Thought I’d work camp over the summer
I was taking my kids in from the Back-40
and you shot me
I don’t know why you did that.
Signed,
Mindy
Age 16
Here are some simple ideas:
Guns shouldn’t exist
The NRA shouldn’t exist
Fuck the NRA.
Children should not be shot
That’s pretty basic
Hatred is a disease
Intolerance is a disease
We’re all the same species
We’ve only got this one planet
What the fuck is our problem that we’re shooting children
It is Tuesday night
one am
today a man came into the center with a gun and a lot of bullets
he shot five people
one beloved receptionist
one benevolent junior counselor
three children ages 6, 5, and 5
I don't know why he did that
Originally published in Blue Satellite
|
